When she leaves you will find yourself laying in bed one night, unable to sleep so you flip over your pillow to find a long strand of hair. The only girl who’s ever been in your bed was her, and it belongs to her. Your heart will feel heavy and your bones begin to break one by one when you look at it but you just keep it there and turn the pillow over again. It’s better to have the tiniest piece of her existence near you instead of nothing at all. When she leaves she will take the flowers she planted deep in your soul, and nothing will be left but dead leaves, I guess it’s better than nothing at all. When she leaves you won’t even be able to look at your bare skin without picturing her’s against it, you won’t be able to feel anything softer than her lips when they met yours. When she leaves you’ll find her remnants washed up in your room like worms on a sidewalk after it rains. You’ll stumble across bobby pins, and scrunchies, how could someone have so many god damn bobby pins? When she leaves your favorite sweater will smell like her, and you won’t be able to picture anything but how she looked when she was curled up in your arms every winter evening. When she leaves you’ll think that love is not real, it can’t be real, because the girl you planned forever with just left you in the dark. She was your one and only light in a world of dull black, but she’s gone now. Ever since she left, you feel gone now, too.
Before you even notice, you will have settled. You will enjoy your Monday morning coffee and think it’s just what you needed to start your day. You will visit the library every Tuesday, hoping to find some new escape in a new book, just to get away from your life. You will eat lunch with your best friend every Wednesday, order the usual at your favorite restaurant, you’re satisfied. On Thursday you go for a walk around your neighborhood to clear your mind, and look forward to tomorrow. On Friday evening you think you’ve made it, so you reward yourself with delivery pizza and an alright movie you’ve seen more than six times. Saturday, there’s still a day separating you from Monday, so you’re fine. Sunday, you dread, dread, until you go to bed. Then it’s the same old routine, slowly getting through life, thinking you enjoy it, when you could easily learn to enjoy something else. How do you know what you need to get through the day is just coffee? Maybe it’s just telling yourself, hey, I can do it, there’s more to look forward to. Instead of living your life through books why don’t you go on an adventure and take a risk like your favorite fictional character? How do you know that meal is really your favorite thing at a restaurant when you’ve never let yourself taste something else? Is looking forward to the end of the week your motivation to actually get through life? If it is, why, when you’re just living the same old shit week to week, nothing will change. You won’t change. You think you’re happy, but couldn’t you be happier?
He will tell you how beautiful you are, and how he loves the way your lips just beg to be kissed when you aren’t even wearing lipstick. He will remember the story of your childhood you told him at 3AM months ago. He will make promises, and never break them. He will text you back in the middle of the night, because he’s home, and not out getting drunk. He will sacrifice his happiness for yours, and he will treat you how you finally deserve to be treated.
But you won’t accept it, you will continue to question his honesty, you will wonder why it took him an hour longer to reply, you will never expect the good out of a promise. You have been so use to receiving one word responses, and pointless phone conversation, so you don’t really know how to take this. When you two go out, you watch his eyes, not only because they are beautiful, but to make sure they don’t wander to the girl’s walking around.
You will be so fucked up by the past you won’t even be able to enjoy the present, so I’m telling you, don’t let it mess with your happiness. Don’t let the jerk that broke your heart break it again without even being in your life. Because when this guy tells you he loves you, he means it, because every beat in his heart says your name, every breath he breathes, he’s soaking you in. He just wants you, and you want him too. So don’t fuck it up, please don’t.
Sometimes, in order to move on, you got to find a new addiction to get over another.